The Irony and Crisis of the American Gay Fem

August 3, 2010
Location: Adam4Adam.com, Albuquerque Chat Room

Have you noticed the changing attitudes about femininity in gay culture recently? It seems like feelings on femininity break into several schools of thought. I've been wondering if these attitudes are something that are expressed on an international stage or wondering if this is a uniquely American concept. First, a definition: Fem: Noun - A homosexual man who displays female tendencies of personal weakness, chipper disposition, frequently exhibits sassy behavior, wears make-up, and exhibits characteristics of women. See Jack from Will and Grace.

Generally, the gay community's attitudes on fems fall into these schools of thought:

- The ingrained school: This school of thought believes that realizing yourself as a gay man is to fully embrace femininity. It is absolutely, positively OK to be as loud, boisterous and feminine as you want. This means it's totally acceptable to Z-Snap everyone. Shout "Hay girlfriend" to acquaintances and generally be a boisterous gay man. In short, if you aren't fem you aren't gay. Embracing femininity despite being male is what defines us as gay men.

- The maturity school: This school of thought recognizes that many gay men use the feminism mechanism as a counter-culture adaptation in the coming out process. The idea is that at first, using femininity is a way by which men can adapt to the social pressures society places on them. By proceeding through the coming out process, eventually a new, stronger, more masculine, socially strong and mature masculine gay man erupts and comes out. The idea here is that femininity gives the newly gay-aware man an opportunity to explore a new path in a more socially acceptable construct of what being a gay man is as a part of the coming out process (outlined below). Older/More mature gay men recognize this and while they realize it is important, they are somewhat turned off, though accepting of it.

- The Weakness school: This is a tough one. This school of thought sees any form of femininity to be a weakness and is a complete rejection of gay men's culture and values. This school will do absolutely everything it can to socially and personally ostracize any sort of fem culture from the ranks of gay men. This school reasons that "If you're fem, you might as well get a sex change and be straight. The entire point of a gay relationship is a man being in a relationship with a man. Men spit. Men fart. Men fuck. The feelings of this school could be summarized as "man up". (Note that this school is often contemptuous of transgendered individuals and is often viewed by the bisexual and transgendered school as intolerant).

These three points of view are beginning to cause all kinds of hell to break loose in the gay community. Please - allow me to level with you. I think everyone deserves to have a partner who suits them. Everyone deserves someone who is interesting, emotionally positive, healthy and productive in their lives. The interesting notion in all this is that we in the gay community pride ourselves on welcoming people of every background and stripe into the community. Part of this welcoming attitude means that everyone should be allowed to exhibit what is really in their heart and be appreciated for it. That's the entire reason why the community picked the rainbow flag as its motto. We have super masculine men from Henry Rollins (C'mon you aging, angry very gay old man! Come out already...) to Ru Paul as a part of the community. Every person, every stripe as accepted.

So what does this have to do with travel?

You see - overall my gaydar is simply awful. Unless a man walks in with a purple feather leotard carrying a neon sign that says "QUEEN" I simply cannot pick out a gay man from anyone else. Since I personally find strength, strong character and mental fortitude to be extremely important in a partner, I am generally *VERY* turned off by fem gay men. This isn't to say however that all fem moments are bad per se, or that I myself am immune from having the occasional fem moment. On the contrary. Although every gay man of every background is occasionally allowed a fem moment (Think Girlie gitty woot when we found the Wicked musical was coming to Albuquerque). We are generally limited to three instances per week.

This issue with the 'dar is causing some real problems when it comes to meeting men outside of bars or online social networking situations. It's also causing me to question my safety when I travel outside the country and how I can meet men that aren't a part of the club scene. Here in western society we have lots of different categories for men. We have twinks, wolves, otters, cubs, bears, silverbacks, jocks, chubs and everything in between. (Google the definitions if you aren't sure what they mean.) But I wonder if gay men in other cultures find the same things attractive as we do here? How do gay men in other cultures identify as gay men? Are American notions of masculinity and maturing as a gay man found in other cultures?

Lastly.... How do I find a masculine man who isn't a part of the club scene, who isn't fem, who is masculine overseas? Are the rules of attraction the same for men in all cultures?

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The Coming Out Process:
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- We hide in complete silence and attempt to avoid any undue attention to ourselves
- We first Come Out in a gay explosion (Think fashion, cars, workouts and clothing)
- We experiment with lots of different boys to figure out what we want
- We hold out for "the one"
- We meet someone who is darned close to "the one"
- We turn off "the one" because of our femininity despite wanting masculinity in a relationship
- We do everything to make "the one" work.
- "The One" is totally turned off because "The One" wants the exact opposite of what our newfound fem freedom provides
- We either become very happy, very bitter, or try again.
- The fem fades away. (Or does it?)

Let the comments begin!