Lately I find my particular brand of politics to be moving closer to the center, but on the whole, I am still left of center on a variety of political issues. On the issue of gay marriage, however, I actually agree with the right wing on a variety of things. I think this is another one of those issues where I am totally and completely ashamed to be a gay man and an American, thought not at the same time and not for the same reasons.
"Wait a minute, you are gay and you agree with the right wing on this issue? You don't think that gay people deserve to get married and have legal protections? What's wrong with you?" you might be thinking. Oh boy. Here we go.
Do I think gay people should be able to get married? Absolutely. Do I think all gay people will make great parents? Hell no. Do I think that some gay couples will do awesome things with kids and others will cause serious, irreparable psychological harm? Yes. Yes I absolutely do.
Do I think some gay couples might be making a serious mistake getting married and may cause more harm than good when adopting kids?Well, in a word, yes. I feel like the gay community does a lot of really stupid things and we generally treat each other rather poorly. We don't really communicate all that well with each other. We regularly treat each other like dirt and are often looking for the quick hook-up instead of a relationship based on trust. We value each other based on our looks and how queeny we can be to each other instead of our personal character. We regularly engage in psychological games with our partners that causes distrust, harms long term relationship potential, and spread disease in the name of better quality sex. You might think that all of these beliefs could be viewed as arguments FOR marriage. I see them as a lack of maturity necessary to bring successful people into the world.
I think relationships take a lot of things to work. I think it takes a fundamental trust between two partners. It's something that takes years to build but is fragile enough to be broken in a few words, actions or deeds. It takes a willingness between partners to watch each other thrive. It takes compromise, humility, respect and a sense of humor. In short, it's a partnership between people who simply "get" each other. I think one reason so many relationships in western cultures fail is because there is a tremendous family pressure to get married. Another reason they fail is because too often people are so excited that someone treats them reasonably well they forget to take the time and effort it takes to build the trust and ground rules necessary to thrive. A third reason, is that we have so few successful and positive gay couples in the national spotlight that we see bringing wonderful people into the world.
With these realizations for relationship and family success in mind, the argument I have against gay marriage is that there is no traditional values framework for gay couples to raise their children. Although I will readily concede that married religious couples often convey values of racism, bigotry, irrational fear and economic dependency on their children, many of them raise children readily capable of being positive net contributors to society. They view work as a privilege, contribute to their local governments, participate in the betterment of their community and ultimately lead to a stronger community and nation. So, at what point between gay partners do we become ready for responsible child bearing? With heterosexual couples, the maturity is often forced with the babies arrival. But with homosexual couples, how do you decide you are ready?
I often think that gay couples legitimately believe that all they need is love and understanding when it comes to the raising of responsible children that meet my above postulate. I often wonder how they go about instilling values in children. There are so many things that parents have to teach their kids. For example: When is it acceptable to physically attack someone else who intends you harm? Do you have the right to defend yourself? How would you defend yourself? What should your child do if they are being physically, emotionally or digitally bullied? When is the right time to have sex? How does your child determine their sexual orientation? When should your child start dating? How trusting should your child be of people? Is it OK for your child to experiment with drugs? How late should your child stay out?
I often think the answers to these questions would be very different from gay parents than it would be for heterosexual, conservative parents. The fact is kids rely on parents to create a framework for decision making that they need to exercise when confronted with challenges that life brings.
In short, I hope proposition 8 is defeated and the gay community reaps the benefits of the marriage. I now hope the community steps up to the plate and brings the responsibility and moral framework needed to produce amazing kids.
- Brad
