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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Blind Date Rules

August 26, 2010
Location: Portland, Oregon, United States

Oh man. This one is huge. 'Why you should always say NO to a blind date' from your best gal friend.

Dear Fruit Flies / Fag Hags / Domestic Partners / Kathy Griffin / Best Girl Friends:
I wanted to thank you for your recent effort at setting me up on a blind date with the one another gay man in your life. It was really nice meeting the man primarily responsible for plastic molding the logo emblems found on most Subaru Forrester wagons made in the 1980's. I found his collection of porcelain cats coupled with a large collection of Pizza grease stained napkins that look like Tony Danza to be absolutely fascinating. I, however, found that his complete lack of etiquette, crude behavior, and episode by episode re-enactments of Joan Rivers "Best Dressed after Emmy's" show reviews in mentally ill chipmunk / Borg (alternating) character to be especially disturbing.

I realize you might think I don't do very well as a gay guy. Your pop culture image crap attitudes on gay men dating at least three men a day month have set the bar really high for me. I suppose meeting one to two men a month on a blind date isn't, in your view, a sufficient number of men for me to find Mr. Right now and you've decided to help out. Thank you. We all deserve to find someone who loves us for us, right?

To protect the innocent, and the interest of bypassing any hurt feelings, I've decided to outline exactly what I am looking for in a partner that might better clarify my blind date expectations and lead to a more harmonious friendship you dumb bitch. To your credit, I realize you didn't have a huge pool of candidates to choose from when picking my blind date target.  Never mind your florist, baker, yoga instructor, plumber, male flight attendant, checkout clerk at Macy's, pizza delivery guy, cell phone salesperson, painter, tech support guy at work and more than half of your former boyfriends (including the one that sorta looks like Ricky Martin and the FINE ASS bodybuilder/craftsmen tools salesperson guy at Sears) are all gay. No, you had to set me up with Mr Subaru that came in second in a Gilbert Godfrey look alike contest (Link) where Gilbert Godfrey and the AFLAC duck were actually competing in the contest. Red Alert!

Part of me desperately wants to believe that you just had to set me up with the one man in your life that just screamed "Need a recovery date" to help him get back in the saddle. No, you set me up with a man who, self-admittedly, hasn't felt the need for human affection since his Siamese cat died in 1993. Rest in peace Whiskers. He demanded I pick him up and take him home from the date. He demanded I pay. It didn't help you got us a reservation at a $300 a plate restaurant where the food rivals the quality of 3 day old moldy KFC chicken and only provides us with about 6 bites and ~218 calories of nourishment after a 4 hour wait *WITH* a reservation. We live in Albuquerque, not San Francisco. This is why you're allowed to wear anything by Ed Hardy for another six months.

As your go-to gay man, I do a lot for you. I take care of your dog when you go out of town. I helped you paint your living room. I let you borrow my Katy Perry Album (Ahem, the FIRST ONE, please return it already.). I tell your friends they look fabulous in clothes they get from Forever 21 despite being well *WELL* over 30. I help you pick out gifts for your friends baby showers. I get you gift cards to the MAC makeup store and then put what you finally buy into Mary Kay bottles so your best friend doesn't suspect you're "make-up cheating" on her. I do the same with your other friend that sells Avon. I put up with your idiot boyfriend constantly asking me to go to Buffalo Wild Wings to "man me up" despite the fact I bench 100 pounds more than he is able to. You call me at 2AM to kill small bugs in your apartment. I live 18 miles from you, and your boyfriend LIVES with you!

So, in the future, please consider the following:
- Just because someone is your one (hopefully not only) other gay friend does NOT mean we are a match. Really. It takes more than liking ding dong to make a couple. Really!
- Setting me up with someone who is actually male helps. That one time you set me up with that hairy Russian girl was simply cruel to us both. I taught Annika how to Makeup-Cheat her Avon lady too. She taught me to bench press and drink more than your boyfriend. It worked out.
- Consider the level of feminine expression in both men. I rank about a 31 / 100 on the fem scale. That means I can change my own car oil but I'm willing to part with the extra $9 to have someone else do it for me. I cannot build my own home. I have no idea what a platform pump is. Look for someone around the same. Just because I am gay doesn't make me a girl with a ding dong.
- Do we share any interests? I'm into Nintendo/Playstation, UFC, Swimming, Dining and have an unhealthy road trip Fetish. Setting me up with a homebody into crafts, QVC and throwing baby showers ain't it. Maybe you could ask this guy to help you shop for gifts in the future.
- Are we physically compatible? I'm looking for someone -/+ 5 years my age. It was mean setting me up with your 14 year old nephew. I helped him with his math homework. Did you know he likes QVC and Joan Rivers?
- Is he an "A" Gay? I like to think of myself as a solid "B+" guy. I do try. An A Gay breeds unicorns that help small children fulfill their wildest fantasies while reducing their parents carbon footprint. I can't do that because I am allergic to rainbow dust and very, very lazy. Sad irony.

and finally.....

- Please give me a chance to decide if I want to date this person before meeting them. A profile online, a facebook page, or even a basic picture will work. Just give me the chance to decide.

I'm off to Buffalo Wild Wings to explain math and feelings to your moron boyfriend. Annika will be joining us to discuss alternative facial hair strategies. Your credit card has a $5000 charge on it from Sears/Craftsmen for me putting up with your shit to get to know the tool guy. Thanks.

- Brad

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